Some mornings, reaching our goal is just too daunting

I’m just going to leave this right here.







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10 sentences that perfectly describe being a stay-at-home parent

Stay at Home Parents

Photo courtesy of Flickr’s drinks machine.

1. You almost literally spend your entire day picking up, cleaning and washing clothes, but at the end of the day, for the life of you, you cannot explain how your house looks the exact same as it did that morning.

2. Someone comes to the door unannounced and you can guarantee they assume you’re a lazy so-and-so who’s spending the day on the couch and hasn’t washed anyone or cleaned anything in weeks.

3. That stain … everywhere.

4. What’s that smell?

5. You’ve almost completed a task uninterrupted, you realize it seconds before finishing, panic and quickly locate each child.

6. Is it nap time yet?

7. You see there are truly similarities between parenting and partying: cleaning up children’s–or grown children’s–vomit, being so tired–or recreational–that colors make sound, staying up until 1am every night and knowing half of the people around you only like you for your boobs.

8. People ask you to hang out when they’re off work and you’ve stopped feeling bad when you say ‘no,’ because, well, you’re never really off work.

9.You can honestly say you’ve held deep, intellectual conversations about poop.

10. Is it bedtime yet?


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What Moms Actually Want for Mother’s Day

I hate to say it but to be completely honest, the thing most moms want for Mother’s Day is to not be a mom for a day. Lucky for you–who’s reading this hoping to find legitimate Mother’s Day ideas and maybe some laughter … but complete seriousness–that generally will cost you nothing, monetarily.

1. To sleep in. And by sleep in, I don’t mean mom kicks dad when the baby wakes and dad goes to get the baby. I mean mom doesn’t even hear a baby wake up and doesn’t wake up, herself, until her body naturally wakes her up. This also means that breakfast in bed comes after mom’s already awake.

2. To cause dad pain. Most of us moms would gladly settle for the satisfaction and awesomeness of watching dad go through labor too.

3. To not clean anything. And that doesn’t mean the house just doesn’t get cleaned again until after Mother’s day. That means mom is not the one cleaning it.

4. To not cook anything. Once again, that doesn’t mean everyone starves for the day–just that mom’s not the one preparing food.

5. To be cuddled. By either the kid(s) or the husband. This means no talking, no expectations, no rolling of the eyes. Just cuddling, dammit.

6. To eat whatever we want to eat. With no judgment.

7. To not go on a family outing. The effort and idea is sweet, but I think I speak for most moms when I tell you that a family outing may be enjoyable but they are not relaxing. And they are not about mom.

8. To just be alone. I think most moms wouldn’t be one bit upset if dad scooped up the kids and took them far, far away for a day. Like a whole day–not just a couple hours.

9. To be pampered. Massages, hair cuts, mani/pedis, even just a long, hot shower–it’s all fair game. And it’s a glorious, rare treat.

10. To not even see a diaper or children’s potty. Because, moms everywhere would like just one day where the words, “Did you poop yet?” or “Ew” do not come out of our mouth at all.

This post is most relevant to Mother’s Day but is also valid for a birthday, anniversary, Christmas and Valentine’s Day too. Moms, anything you’d like to add?


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12 Things That Make Me Want To Go All ‘The Slap’ On Kids

Okay, don’t sue me or start the comment attack just yet. I’m obviously exaggerating about slapping children, but some things, they just hit all the buttons.


Photo courtesy of Jake Davis via Flickr Creative Commons.

As parents, sitters, people who have observed the species called children from across the room, we’ve all seen kids who do things that can only merit the response of “What the actual frick?!” It happens, and although kids’ logic is brilliant at times, it’s completely nonexistent at others.

So, as I was going through my life with kids as of late, I decided to compile a list of all the things little ones around me were doing that made me want to drop the spaghetti bowl and throw my hands up in the air. I’m sure just about every parent can relate to at least one … or 12 of these.

1. “I don’t like peanut butter with peanuts in it.”

REALLY, kid? Newsflash, peanut butter is made from peanuts.

2. “I don’t like green noodles.”
But you like the white and red ones? Hmm, that’s odd because THEY’RE THE SAME THING!

3. Child 1 plays contently.
Child 2 picks up a toy that’s been gathering dust in a corner for LITERALLY–yes I’m using that word correctly in this scenario–Child 1’s entire existence.
Child 1 throws back chairs and all items in its way like a member of the SOA motorcycle club during a confrontation and screams, “That’s MY toy!”

No, child. You didn’t even know that toy was in your life until you saw someone else playing with it.

4. Parent: “Don’t do ___.”
Child: Immediately does it.

5. Child: Normal all day.
Parent: Makes a phone call.

6. Person: Goes in bathroom.
Child: [at top of lungs] “YOU POOPIN’?!”

Note: I personally find this one hilarious, but that’s for all you non-parents or bathroom-humor-sensitive people out there who probably want to just go ahead and flush yourself down the toilet after that happens.

7. 11:27am: Parent changes diaper.
11:28am: Child poops.


8. Parent: Sets [insert item here] on the table.
Child: Grabs it. Hides it.
Parent: Spends 47 minutes looking for it, is an hour late to wherever and receives death stares for the duration of time there.

Note: Although I more want to slap myself for leaving any items in the reach of grubby, child hands. I know better.

9. Parent: Says ONE thing on accident for the first time in the entire duration of child’s life because you let it slip after being very careful for years.
Child: Immediately turns into a parrot on repeat for the next 2 months.

10. Child: “Can I ___?”
Mom: “No.”
Child: [runs, loudly and obviously, to dad]: “Can I ___?”

11. Child smacks you in the face with hard object/pulls your hair/you step on a lego left out by child.

12. “Why? why? why! WHY? WHY!? Why?” [“Mom” may also be inserted into #12]


I’m sure I’ve only hit the tip of the iceberg with this list, but the struggle is real people. What do kids do that you absolutely cannot stand?


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