For those women who were blessed with super pregnancy genetics or able to stay in shape and maintain their glorious pre-baby body, my hat’s off to you, and I also have some built up anger towards you stored in the back of my brain that I blame for my inability to lose more weight. It’s okay though. It forces me to compensate in other areas, like writing and making lists.
And with that, here are 10 things no one thinks to share with you about post-baby body.
1. Getting dressed and using the restroom while you’re dressed—with the underwear and the spanks and the bra that’s a full body suit—will now be, at least, a 10 minute ordeal. And by ordeal, I mean the definition of ordeal: a painful or horrific experience.
2. People may tell you that every time they sneeze they pee a little and you may laugh, but what they really mean by that is your bladder has gone from let’s say the capacity of a dam to the capacity of two swinging doors at your local saloon.
3. If you thought periods were rough before, you may beg to experience the pre-birth ones again. Periods are just so much more generous in your post-baby body, with the blood and the bloating and the hanger. Really, you shouldn’t have, Aunt Flo. It’s too much.
4. The shopping and the mirrors and the clothing sizes, oh my! *Insert hysterically laughing and crying emoticon here*
5. Your post-baby body will likely react to summer like it’s the plague. Before it was a relaxing, happy, sunny time; now, it’s a sweaty, overheated, kids all around making noise, smelly, disgusting, headache of a mess.
6. It’s a very real possibility that you may go from never, ever considering plastic surgery to Google searching “tummy tuck” on your computer.
7. Your body will surprise you with how long it can run on no sleep and caffeine.
8. If you didn’t have it before, you will acquire super sonic hearing that allows you to hear or awake to any noise a child makes within a one-mile radius.
9. You may never willingly put on shorts or a swim suit again.
10. Who needs tattoos? You have tiger stripes—more commonly referred to as stretch marks—and they’re just as artistic … and permanent.
This all may seem a bit disheartening, but if you have children, you know, really, it’s not. They’re worth every grey hair and sleepless night, but sometimes it’s just nice to sit back and laugh about the changes and transitions we as women and life-providing vessels must endure. Still, I would rather turn into one big stretch mark than think of my life without children. Plus, when you find the right person to raise children with, it becomes obvious having a Victoria’s-Secret-model body is not what life’s all about.
Our physicality is never permanent, and it should never define us. Our influence, our character, and our family are what is truly important. Regardless of the size of your mom jeans, you’re still you, you’re still beautiful, and you can still enjoy a laugh on behalf of all mom bodies out there. Who knows? Maybe the ‘mom bod’ will become the new ‘dad bod’ trend sometime in the near future.