12 Things That Make Me Want To Go All ‘The Slap’ On Kids

Okay, don’t sue me or start the comment attack just yet. I’m obviously exaggerating about slapping children, but some things, they just hit all the buttons.

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Photo courtesy of Jake Davis via Flickr Creative Commons.

As parents, sitters, people who have observed the species called children from across the room, we’ve all seen kids who do things that can only merit the response of “What the actual frick?!” It happens, and although kids’ logic is brilliant at times, it’s completely nonexistent at others.

So, as I was going through my life with kids as of late, I decided to compile a list of all the things little ones around me were doing that made me want to drop the spaghetti bowl and throw my hands up in the air. I’m sure just about every parent can relate to at least one … or 12 of these.

1. “I don’t like peanut butter with peanuts in it.”

REALLY, kid? Newsflash, peanut butter is made from peanuts.

2. “I don’t like green noodles.”
But you like the white and red ones? Hmm, that’s odd because THEY’RE THE SAME THING!

3. Child 1 plays contently.
Child 2 picks up a toy that’s been gathering dust in a corner for LITERALLY–yes I’m using that word correctly in this scenario–Child 1’s entire existence.
Child 1 throws back chairs and all items in its way like a member of the SOA motorcycle club during a confrontation and screams, “That’s MY toy!”

No, child. You didn’t even know that toy was in your life until you saw someone else playing with it.

4. Parent: “Don’t do ___.”
Child: Immediately does it.

5. Child: Normal all day.
Parent: Makes a phone call.
Child: [at top of lungs] ♫ SINGING ANY AND EVERY RANDOM SONG THEY KNOW WITH ALL THE CORRECT LYRICS AND WITHOUT TAKING ANY BREATHS OR BREAKS MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR OR TO TELL THEM TO LEAVE WITHOUT TALKING LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE HAS BLEEDING EARS ♫

6. Person: Goes in bathroom.
Child: [at top of lungs] “YOU POOPIN’?!”

Note: I personally find this one hilarious, but that’s for all you non-parents or bathroom-humor-sensitive people out there who probably want to just go ahead and flush yourself down the toilet after that happens.

7. 11:27am: Parent changes diaper.
11:28am: Child poops.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

8. Parent: Sets [insert item here] on the table.
Child: Grabs it. Hides it.
Parent: Spends 47 minutes looking for it, is an hour late to wherever and receives death stares for the duration of time there.

Note: Although I more want to slap myself for leaving any items in the reach of grubby, child hands. I know better.

9. Parent: Says ONE thing on accident for the first time in the entire duration of child’s life because you let it slip after being very careful for years.
Child: Immediately turns into a parrot on repeat for the next 2 months.

10. Child: “Can I ___?”
Mom: “No.”
Child: [runs, loudly and obviously, to dad]: “Can I ___?”

11. Child smacks you in the face with hard object/pulls your hair/you step on a lego left out by child.

12. “Why? why? why! WHY? WHY!? Why?” [“Mom” may also be inserted into #12]

Why…

I’m sure I’ve only hit the tip of the iceberg with this list, but the struggle is real people. What do kids do that you absolutely cannot stand?

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